| It helps to write these things down. |
[Aug. 27th, 2011|10:38 am] |
Trying really hard not to break down. Keeping my chin up, letting the feelings be real and letting them be numb too. Listening to a lot of music, seeing as many friends as possible.
Yesterday I looked at an apartment in my best friend's building. So very small, just a bedroom really with a tiny kitchen and a bathroom and a few closets. Big windows, lots of light. A streetcar ride away from my family and walking distance to lots of things. Dear friends both a few floors up and a few blocks West. I think I'm going to take it.
I've always prided myself on having so much control. Over my life, my decisions and my emotions. However, when the panic comes it lays me bare, clutching my hands so tight together, my stomach in knots. In the end, I know all of this will be ok. Just...getting there...
You were calm when I told you about the apartment. I didn't expect that but I suppose I have hinted enough at the inevitable. Your statements are tinged with anger and accusation, however. This is my choice. My decision. The past doesn't matter - it's what I'm doing now that does. You keep up the chat about all the things you'll have to do to prepare yourself for the next person. Where you'll find them, what you hope they will be like.
I haven't been able to cry much. The pain of all this catches in my chest and stays there, dry. But when you talk like this - it breaks me. You know it too. I am racked with sobs on my side of the car. When we stop I take off my seat belt and curl up under your arm, you hold me tightly. I pull back and you ruffle my hair. You are satisfied.
I don't feel like you mean to be fully cruel. I see all the shades of grey in this, believe me. I know part of you is trying to prove something painful to me, part of you is hoping I'll hear these things and decide to stay. "It could be you" you say to me "This next person could just be you" I am wordless.
Before I went to sleep last night, you tucked yourself close in by my ear and told me to ask myself one question...and think hard about the answer..."What the hell am I doing?"...I think about telling you I have never stopped asking myself that but I can't fight anymore and you deserve your little victories.
I wake up later, sick and sad and unable to convince myself to sleep any longer. You come to bed and put on a movie, you surprise me with mashed potatoes and we eat until it's daylight out and fall asleep with our hands twined together.
This is so very, very hard. |
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| scenes from a separation. |
[Aug. 25th, 2011|07:46 am] |
This is a fucked up scene. We get angry, I cry and you cry and we calm down. We divide up furniture and make out. You say you’ll never let me leave, let me go. I stare past your shoulder, face buried in your chest. I say nothing. I don’t know what to say. I wish I was compelled by this argument. Goodness knows I’ve wanted it before, something – anything from you. I am at once terrified and calm. We kiss, your hands run over my skin. You speak of its perfection, how much you love to touch it. Caught in a ten year long delay the words feel as flimsy as rice paper. You are lost in the shape of my mouth, I am calculating the square footage of my large furniture pieces.
You are all I have known for so long. I’ve chafed against us, I’ve broken the rules, I’ve become desperate and bitter and longing and sad. I’ve grown inside the walls of our relationship, a person who is independent and free and rebellious. You give up all your threats against me, you are calm, accepting of our friendship. Each night I lie on your chest and wonder if I can truly give this up. Now everything you say, you end with "you'll miss this...". You speak of the next person who you'll date with casual cruelty. You talk about getting fit.
I am starting to center. The world has felt blown apart these last couple of months, everything I am sure of scattering into fragments but I am starting to find a tentative footing in this maelstrom.
It is ten years later. I am thirty three. I am still in love with you. I believed this was all I ever needed or wanted. You let me down. Then I stopped trying to fix things. Now we are here.
I couldn't be more sorry. |
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| For Amy - because I do *read* lj, just never post! |
[Jun. 20th, 2010|07:09 pm] |
SIX NAMES YOU GO BY:
Em, Emile, Ninny, Cookie, Emstar, Schlambammer
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. turquoise & white striped pj pants
2. grey ruffled tank top
3. watermelon coloured croc-flops
(yeah, I'm off work and right into casual wear)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT VERY BADLY AT THE MOMENT
1. To sleep for a long time and wake up feeling amazing
2. A whole bunch of money and then to move!
3. A new camera...
THREE PEOPLE WHOM YOU HOPE WILL DO THE MEME
1. Anyone who cares to!
THREE THINGS YOU DID LAST NIGHT
1. Cleaned while drinking gin
2. Made a surprise cake for a co-worker
3. had a hard time sleeping after unwise McD meal after midnight
THREE PEOPLE YOU LAST TALKED TO ON THE PHONE:
1. Chris
2. Robin
3. Derek
THREE THINGS YOU ARE GOING TO DO TOMORROW:
1. Sleep in!
2. Get more focused on my article
3. Eat healthier and in general, make it up to my body for the pain I put it through yesterday
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE DRINKS:
1. Soda water with lemon granita
2. Nestle splash
3. Mojitos
THREE THINGS THAT MADE YOU SMILE TODAY:
1. Making a ridiculous list for Max
2. Chef not having one negative thing to say about my brioche
3. Eel sushi |
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| The letter I owed you. |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|03:44 am] |
I can't sleep when you're not here - or at least, I could - but I choose not to. Tonight is sticky and I'm still full from the loads of gorgeous, delicious food and girl hangouts.
Tonight I showed the wedding video again, but watched the ceremony which we never really do...it was sweet and charming and I searched our faces for traces of the past, what it felt like to be up there, telling the world (our world at least) how much we loved each other. How little we knew then, about everything, about each other. It was all we wanted it to be, that wedding - so full of happiness and family and personal touches - but I think at this point we wish we'd waited awhile longer. Not because of regret, on the contrary - because now it would mean so much more. The words would be even deeper, the promises earned, dues much more paid. Eight years ago I was at the cottage, bruising peaches to sweetness, rocking in the hammock by the lake, just starting to learn your name. You called every other day and I fell in love with you before your boat crossed the water. You never really proposed to me because, two and half weeks in, sitting in the clearing, the decision was made for us. I don't think I could say it better than I did then, so for always (and until we get married again because we loved the party and want to have another one) - my vows...
My constant companion, my wonderful sparring partner, my darling friend. I am so proud to be joining my heart to yours today, in front of all our beloved family and friends, so thrilled to have this ultimate moment of happiness after proving we can weather some of the toughest times together. To me, our love is one bright moment on a mossy log and a thousand moments of familiar strengths, endless conversation, perfect silence and complete sweetness. I searched for you for such a long time it seems. My partner in crime, my other pea in the pod – my very best friend. My top ten list fell short when it came to you – you have exceeded all my expectations and dreams. You have grounded me and set me on fire. Thank you for all your commitment, your strength, your good sense, your humour and patience that has brought us to this place. I would be lost without you and even forever doesn’t seem long enough.
Happy Anniversary, Nin. |
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| Spring... |
[Apr. 2nd, 2009|06:08 pm] |
I know it's spring because Persephone has walked out of the darkness. Fishes turn into bulls.
Spring as change.
As upset.
Like a game of pick up sticks. Everything just so, gather it all up, toss in the air, keep hands still, watch it fall where it will, look at it anew.
Break it, put it back together.
Walk away, close eyes, open with new perspective.
Look away, look back, but not as close-- refocus eyes.
Think differently.
Love differently.
Change tastes, try something unliked again, turn it over, mash it up, get hands dirty.
Emancipate toes.
Reopen heart.
Have a new crush, flirt, take yourself on a date, dance before everyone else starts dancing, risk rejection, steal kisses, push someone up against a wall,
shout for the sake of shouting, play hide & seek, go on a treasure hunt. Wear something striped.
Spring is new. It's again but slightly different.
I hope something breaks for you today. I gift you with new perspective, possibility, chance taking and the adventure of life.
I'll close my eyes and wish for love, risk, faith, hope and health.
I'll conjure people gone and talk to those still here.
from Eggbeater - http://eggbeater.typepad.com/shuna/2009/03/march-20-1968.html - a gorgeously written blog. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2009|07:36 pm] |
Sometimes, none of my friendships seem certain and I'm filled with a deep inadequateness and worry that I'm just not making as big an impact on the world as I should be.
Sometimes, people really suck and as much I keep my chin up and know deep down I really shouldn't care - I do.
.....
You have no idea how much you all mean to me. |
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| thankful for the dearest of friends... |
[Jan. 25th, 2009|02:28 am] |
Still fairly inebriated, dizzy and happy - a lovely evening with lovely people, relaxing to just let go and be the silly drunk girl.
now at home, in pj pants, slow dancing with the mister to our songs, in bed humming along to whipping boy, wishing he'd just come over and kiss me breathless.
not minding getting a bit older...
not minding much at all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|10:37 am] |
Unbelievably, the first month of the school year ending and it already feels like I've been there for 6 if not more. I thought I'd recap as it is a rainy Tuesday morning with a bit of time on my hands.
After a day missed due to my ridiculous attempt to work full time as well as go to school (more on that in a later entry, perhaps) and a day spent in the wrong class (very easy trap to fall into - I was not alone) I finally located my correct Skills lab with my correct chef. She is everything I would want from a chef teacher - super tough, a self proclaimed hard ass - but with a sense of humour and fairness. Our first month has been spent on cookies - piped shortbread, piped sandwich, chewy pecan brownies with ganache, ice box. We had a round robin day where group of four (we are usually in groups of two in Skills) each made a different sort of cookie and then we gave each other 4 of that cookie to make a mixed box. My team had chewy oatmeal - so good - buttery and falling apart. We also made hermit cookies that day.
In order to get ready for Christmas we started massive amounts of fruitcake - giant bowls of jewelled fruit that we had chopped up, later soaked in rum and wrapped until December when we'll be decorating it to the nines. We spent a hellish morning with the previous day's sugar cookie dough creating petit four sec - teensy sandwich cookies in 5 shapes with intricate designs in chocolate, nuts and jam. That was the only day that almost made me cry. We ended off the cookie period with almond macaroons sandwiched with apricot jam and big coconut macaroons - both dipped in chocolate.
All my classmates (you move through classes with the same people except skills where we split in 2 groups) are very nice, some are super awesome. We've definitely cliqued off to a certain extent but I try to stay on the fringe of most groups, while still maintaining a close knit gang. Oh, the complicated physics of interpersonal relationships! ;) We do try to have fun throughout the seriousness of skills though. On the round robin day, while part of a team assembling boxes, we started singing. Soon most of the class joined in, singing all we knew of random 60s, Disney & Spice Girls songs. Chef, contrary to how we thought she'd react, told us to sing louder and nicknamed us The Bakerettes. There is only one boy in skills with us - and he doesn't mind :)
Otherwise there is Theory - that's where we have studied everything about the whys and hows of what makes up a cookie - creaming method, make up methods, leavening agents, types of flour. Intro to Wine - a 7 week course that has been dry so far but still interesting. We learn everything about where wine comes from, different regions, different grapes, terroir. Math - fairly simple, people rarely show up for more than half the class. Finally, English - a true disappointment with the world's most boring teacher - I keep expecting her to say "Bueller...Bueller"
So, in basically every way school is pretty amazing and great. I love all that I'm learning, love my friends there, love the hours. I'm going to have to start ending my entries with a <3 like Tim!! :) Next we're moving into bread...
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2008|09:03 pm] |
Last week I had orientation for chef school, ended my employment of several years, left my goodbye party to be at an interview at a swank restaurant downtown, applied for dessert station position, was hired on the spot and am still in shock.
Life. is. delightful. |
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| for the record. |
[Aug. 27th, 2008|10:50 am] |
Things eaten at the CNE last night:
Super fresh corndog, jumbo size
Part of a potato curry roti
Sticky rice stuffed in a leaf
Fried chicken & dirty rice with mango sauce
Deep fried Mars bar
Small cup of peach Yogenfruz
Flavourburst twister cone (green apple)
Post CNE:
Fish shaped red bean ice cream sandwich - which transcended all above, though all were excellent.
edited to add:
returned to CNE today and consumed...
another super fresh jumbo corndog & 1/2 deep fried mars bar
another sticky rice stuffed in leaf
fried squid
beavertail with tahitian vanilla bean ice cream & strawberries
tiny toms, cinnamon sugar flavoured
:) |
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